I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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