bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
