and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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