Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
