Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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