My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
