Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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