So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
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He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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