I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
