Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
