were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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