I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
