The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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