I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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