Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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