i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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