i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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