good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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