So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
its liver damage thursday
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
