i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
