if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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