my shit smells like andre
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
