so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
