how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
