i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
