Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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