My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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