My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
not ubering you a puppy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
