My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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