She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
