Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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