My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
