new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
