can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
