i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
