the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
