You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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