I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There's always time for handjobs
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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