Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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