At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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