its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
