and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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