so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
