Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love accidental penises.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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