and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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