i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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