I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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