Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
