Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
