We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
