he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
