is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
me + whiskey = a bad person
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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