dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
