I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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